Designer Baby Names


~ Omg, these are soooo funny! You guys are gonna be such great parents. ~

Qwerty: It’s just, you know, we live in technological times, and I feel– I’m sorry, we feel that our child should express that.

Schlitz: Ha ha! Schlitz is so fucking gross! I mean, as a drink. As a baby name, it’s fucking tits!

Danzig Cleopatra: We think the name adequately symbolizes man’s constant diametric struggle between fighting and fucking in modern cultural power dynamics…What? Oh, it’s a girl.

Qbert: Remember Qbert? We totally want our kid to remember Qbert. It’s just so playful, and he should never forget his sense of play.

Boring: We’re planning on her name being ironic.

Humbert Humbert: This baby is going to get me so much librarian pussy.

Q: I just think people overthink the whole name thing, and I want my kid to really stand out. Also, I mean, James Bond, right?


~ Kids say the darnedest things… ~

Qwerty: I just go by Q. I got really into computers when I was 13, and I really wish I didn’t, because I…(sigh)…I hate working in the I.T. industry.

Schlitz: I’ve been married three times.

Danzig Cleopatra: I feel my name adequately symbolizes man’s constant diametric struggle between fighting and fucking in modern cultural power dynamics… Excuse me? That’s an extremely rude question.

Qbert: I just go by Q. I dunno, I think my folks thought I’d be like 10 years old forever, which would make them like, I dunno, 40 forever or something. Because they got really stressed with finances when I was in high school, and my dad only wanted me to be in jazz band, and I just don’t like jazz music that much, but… I’m sorry, I know that stuff I just said is kind of irrelevant, but I just found out they could have put away money, like, good money for my college, but just didn’t, and who knows why. And I’ve been carrying this debt, and, so, it’s kind of, I’m kind of thinking about all this stuff, and… anyway, I don’t really talk to them too much anymore. I get the sense I make them feel old now, but that could be just my take-away from it.

Boring: Yeah, it’s cool. Yeah. Sure.

Humbert Humbert: First off, I fucking hate that book. I just want to say that, fucking first and foremost. I know people think it’s a classic, and beautiful, because I’ve heard it my whole fucking life, but, personally, I think it’s disgusting and puerile and just flat-out immoral. I mean, the guy sleeps with children! And no, before you ask, it’s not funny, I do not sleep with children, okay? Just, don’t even ask. And I’ve had this, like, literary discussion with almost everyone I know, so, no, there is no arguing me out of it… On the plus side, I do get a fair amount of librarian pussy.

Q: Of course I go by Q. Why wouldn’t I? It’s my name. What do you want me to go by, “sheep” or something? You’d probably like that. You and my ex-husband, and my kids… No, no one gets the James Bond reference. They wouldn’t anyway, since I’m a girl.

Published in: on January 10, 2011 at 1:13 am  Leave a Comment  

The Cracks

“What about the people who fall through the cracks?” she said.

Yes, what about the people who fall through the cracks. Where are these cracks? Have they always been there, unavoidable bottomless pits penciled into the original schematic with achtung warnings via an outpost of orange cones, “Jesus Christ, whatever you do, don’t step here, just keep moving”? Or were they formed after the fact, disrupting the previously clean and ever-extending concrete, the world’s pressures shivering fissures due to intense swings of heat and freeze, feast and famine, quakes and foot traffic?

And these people, these people who fell through these cracks, where were they headed when they suddenly dropped from view, swished through the cragged canyons of life with cartoon speed lines and vertical hair, while the rest of us herd onward,  eyes forward, hats crisp, shoulders slouched from the weight of alternating shades of gray overcoats, trudging down that broad New York sidewalk none the wiser, except for those Brave Few, those Brave Few who cock their heads at the sudden gust of downward wind and wonder, “What about the people who fall through the cracks?

What about them, indeed?

Published in: on January 9, 2011 at 11:00 pm  Leave a Comment